The dangers of internet porn!

There's a certain porn actress (I'll not name her) out there, a relatively famous one... not Jenna Jameson level (not my type anyway) but well known certainly... This particular girl is almost exactly my type, she got some great tattoos, funky hair, and a great attitude and passion for what she does. I really enjoy her videos (well the girl-girl ones anyway, not really the ones with men in them)... there's only one thing wrong with her... she's the spitting image of an ex girlfriend of mine. Freakishly so.

I watch her videos, and whilst I enjoy them very much, there's a niggling thought in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't... that getting kicks out of watching a girl who looks so much like my ex is wrong. This particular ex is one that hurt me badly. I loved her deeply, and it took a long time to get over her. One of the ways I was able to move on was to just not allow myself to think about her, which was not easy given that so many things reminded me of her. I'm in a better place now, and have moved on, but I still try not to let myself think about her too much. Watching this actress in her videos seems like a bad idea but I can't help myself... I'm not in contact with her any more, but part of me wants to be, so that I can tell her about this girl and see what she thinks about it!

I decided to try a little self hypnosis, something I have dabbled in from time to time without much success. The aim was to try and remove the association between this actress, and my ex. I.e, to not recognise that she looks just like her! It's not really worked, as usual. I do feel a little bit better about it though, so that's something.

I think fundamentally I'm not a great subject for hypnosis or even self hypnosis. I'm too reluctant to 'submit'. I have mentioned in an earlier entry how I enrolled on a stage hypnosis course when I was younger. I wasn't the best student in the class I have to admit. Although I had hypnotized someone before, I was unable to progress as quickly as others on the course because of my inability to submit and also due to my sexual associations with hypnosis. We were put into pairs and initially I was paired up with a male partner. He couldn't hypnotize me because I resisted and I couldn't hypnotize him because I felt uncomfortable doing it.

I was also held back because I'd never actually experienced hypnosis. It's hard to describe how something feels to someone, if you have never felt it yourself! In the end I got paired with someone else, luckily a woman, who I felt much more comfortable with. I put her under quite deep, quite quickly. I was also able to relax and allow myself to go under with her, not very deeply I don't think, but deep enough to know that it had worked. That was enough for me really. I'd experience what I'd needed to experience, and achieved what I needed to achieve... what I couldn't achieve with a male partner.

For me, hypnosis is inseparable from seduction and flirtation (have you noticed how seduction and induction sound very similar? ;~) ). The first induction is a bit like a first date. It's a process of wooing the person's mind... getting to know them... getting to know you. Sometimes literally whispering sweet nothings in their ear... making my voice... my words... my suggestions... feel somehow alluring... Pleasurable. Opening yourself up to me... hanging on my every word... allowing yourself to follow my suggestions and giving a part of yourself to me. Submitting feels natural. Because that's what feels good. Feels right. Becoming captivated. Intoxicated.... even aroused. Wanting more. Wanting to go further... deeper... and then almost inevitably... cut short just as it gets going ;~)

Long time no see.

It's been a long while since I updated this blog. Too long. I've tended to be a bit all or nothing about this sort of thing. Hypno-fetishism can be a bit of an addiction for me. Everyone has to have a vice... warping the minds of pretty girls is mine ;~)... well that and smoking, though I've all but stopped that as well. I haven't had a cigarette in months. I won't say I'll never smoke again though, I know I will. It's not that I'm addicted, well, not in the normal sense. It's a not a substance dependency thing... It's a fetish thing. I never actually crave cigarettes, not like I imagine a person who is hooked on them does... I just... enjoy them so much. And enjoy seeing other women seductively smoking even more ;~) . They're something to enjoy once in a while as a treat... I'm just laying off the treats right now. Anyway, that's enough about my smoking fetish, back to the hypnosis...

I've been known to spend all my time online, chatting to and trancing existing or potential subs on yahoo, posting on hypno related forums, reading hypno related blogs... It consumes all my time. I spend all my time either doing these things, or thinking about my last hypno session, or thinking about my next one... all the while needing my next fix!

It's quite an unhealthy obsession, particularly when nearly all of the girls I would get my kicks with lived on the other side of the world. I'd find myself staying up until 5am night after night, knowing I needed to go to bed, but unable to tear myself away from the computer because I was having to much fun. It go so that I was sleeping most of the day, or else just feeling tired all the time. Not only that, but after night after night of hypnotic fun, I felt... well, sore! (I'm sure i don't need to draw a diagram ;~) )At that point I started to ask myself... "just who is in control here?"... Yes I was having fun controlling and toying with my various, eager to please subs, but I was losing control of my own life in the process. Things had to change.

Since then I've kept a bit of a low profile on the hypno scene... My yahoo ID has been inactive, I've avoided forums where I might be tempted, and this blog has also been neglected.

Our mutual obsession with all things hypno was what eventually ended my relationship with Katie a few years ago. So much of our life was consumed by it that it effected our work, our relationships with our friends... we tried to cut down, but it was to difficult. In then we decided it was best for both of us to call it a day. By this point Katie was already well on her way to becoming a hypno mistress in her own right. Since our experience with claire, we'd had our way with a few other girls. To begin with it was just Katie who was hypnotized and the other girls were just there to 'play', but we got hungry for more, and soon we had persuaded other girls for me to put under. At first it was just me giving the commands, and katie enjoying the ride along with the girls. But soon I started giving some control of the other girls over to katie, which she nervously but excitedly enjoyed. I even taught Katie a few inductions, and before long, she was putting girls under all by herself... she was a little unsure about assuming the dominant role at first (well, when it comes to hypnosis anyway, she's experienced at being dominant in other areas), but with a little 'training' from me, she soon started to slip into the role of Mistress. *sigh* My little girl was all grown up...

To continue my metaphor, if hypnosis was a drug, we were going the whole Pete Doherty!, proper back stage at a rock concert orgies of excess... It sounds great doesn't it? a hypno-fetishists dream!... Well in some ways it was. But at the back of my mind there was always this little voice... quiet, but very insistent, telling me that this couldn't go on forever... that what we were doing wasn't a good idea... and that sooner or later I was going to have to try and stop it. Things were taking on a life of their own though... Katie was 'recruiting' her own subs... There were girls at our flat most nights of the week. Our social life outside of our little circle of kinksters was non existent. I'd started to lose track of who had what triggers... it was out of control. Eventually Katie and I had a talk, and came to the same conclusion, we needed a break.

I wont go any further than that right now. It's rather personal, and probably not that interesting to read. But Katie and I went our separate ways, and both found happyness in other, more healthy relationships. Both of us continued with our hypnotic exploits, but tried to keep them under control. Don't worry though, I have plenty more stories to tell... watch this space. ;~)