The dangers of internet porn!

There's a certain porn actress (I'll not name her) out there, a relatively famous one... not Jenna Jameson level (not my type anyway) but well known certainly... This particular girl is almost exactly my type, she got some great tattoos, funky hair, and a great attitude and passion for what she does. I really enjoy her videos (well the girl-girl ones anyway, not really the ones with men in them)... there's only one thing wrong with her... she's the spitting image of an ex girlfriend of mine. Freakishly so.

I watch her videos, and whilst I enjoy them very much, there's a niggling thought in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't... that getting kicks out of watching a girl who looks so much like my ex is wrong. This particular ex is one that hurt me badly. I loved her deeply, and it took a long time to get over her. One of the ways I was able to move on was to just not allow myself to think about her, which was not easy given that so many things reminded me of her. I'm in a better place now, and have moved on, but I still try not to let myself think about her too much. Watching this actress in her videos seems like a bad idea but I can't help myself... I'm not in contact with her any more, but part of me wants to be, so that I can tell her about this girl and see what she thinks about it!

I decided to try a little self hypnosis, something I have dabbled in from time to time without much success. The aim was to try and remove the association between this actress, and my ex. I.e, to not recognise that she looks just like her! It's not really worked, as usual. I do feel a little bit better about it though, so that's something.

I think fundamentally I'm not a great subject for hypnosis or even self hypnosis. I'm too reluctant to 'submit'. I have mentioned in an earlier entry how I enrolled on a stage hypnosis course when I was younger. I wasn't the best student in the class I have to admit. Although I had hypnotized someone before, I was unable to progress as quickly as others on the course because of my inability to submit and also due to my sexual associations with hypnosis. We were put into pairs and initially I was paired up with a male partner. He couldn't hypnotize me because I resisted and I couldn't hypnotize him because I felt uncomfortable doing it.

I was also held back because I'd never actually experienced hypnosis. It's hard to describe how something feels to someone, if you have never felt it yourself! In the end I got paired with someone else, luckily a woman, who I felt much more comfortable with. I put her under quite deep, quite quickly. I was also able to relax and allow myself to go under with her, not very deeply I don't think, but deep enough to know that it had worked. That was enough for me really. I'd experience what I'd needed to experience, and achieved what I needed to achieve... what I couldn't achieve with a male partner.

For me, hypnosis is inseparable from seduction and flirtation (have you noticed how seduction and induction sound very similar? ;~) ). The first induction is a bit like a first date. It's a process of wooing the person's mind... getting to know them... getting to know you. Sometimes literally whispering sweet nothings in their ear... making my voice... my words... my suggestions... feel somehow alluring... Pleasurable. Opening yourself up to me... hanging on my every word... allowing yourself to follow my suggestions and giving a part of yourself to me. Submitting feels natural. Because that's what feels good. Feels right. Becoming captivated. Intoxicated.... even aroused. Wanting more. Wanting to go further... deeper... and then almost inevitably... cut short just as it gets going ;~)